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Apologies for the pause in transmission with the summer holidays but I’m back again! I thought I would republish this blog from last summer as a lot of parents will be thinking about the children going back to school, starting a new school or starting school for the first time.
So back to school after the summer holidays! It was all going really well, Bookasaurus was loving the new topic he was learning about and soaking all the new information up like a sponge! He loved being back with his friends and was invited to a birthday party after school he had so much fun. This morning though he was very sensitive, even breakfast didn’t give him much energy. He declared that ‘I’m not going to school mummy’. I asked him why he didn’t want to go and he told me he was tired.
My first thought was ‘he’s just tired but he still needs to go to school how am I going to get him there?’ I felt worried and frustrated, although I kept calm so this was not the best start to our morning. See the What I Could Have Done Differently section below for how I could have thought about it and handled it differently.
I thought okay he’ll just get on with things in a moment, let’s just read a story and see if I can calm him down and get him dressed that way. Unfortunately, that didn’t work he just kept saying ‘I’m not going, mummy’. I said the typical things like ‘you need to go to school, it’s only if you’re sick that you can’t go to school, won’t it nice to find out what presents your friend got’ etc and it just made the situation a whole lot worse, he put his hands over his ears and screamed and cried.
I know that language is so important when you’re bringing up an autistic child and I knew instinctively that I wasn’t saying the right things, but our programming often takes over and the things that our parents may have said to us just come out.
Autistic children often have big feelings and can find it difficult to express and control them. Sometimes they will say strange things, Bookasaurus says ‘Rydon or crash bang’ he actually said to me the other day ‘I say Rydon when I’m cross Mummy’ and it’s wonderful that he’s starting to understand his own feelings.
Bookasaurus was angry and he hit out at me, he wasn’t being naughty he is just still learning to self-regulate (control his body and feelings). I put my arms around him, said some soothing words, and that he shouldn’t hit. We can help them with self-regulation (see tips below and in my previous blogs).
I wasn’t getting anywhere and he’d got back into bed so I took a moment and said I’ll go and clean my teeth and then you come into the bathroom when you’re ready. I also needed a moment to regroup and think about how to better handle the situation. I did that and then went and got a balloon to see if I could energise him and entice him out of bed with some fun!
To my surprise when I went back, he had gotten himself dressed, I’m not sure what changed his mind, but I praised him for it. Sometimes autistic children need some processing time to work out what is being asked of them, I often need to wait to let him answer a question, etc.
I managed to get him into the bathroom with my normal ploy of taking a book in with us but he was still saying that he was going to stay at home. There were lots of tears so we had cuddles and more of the story and I cleaned his teeth for him. Then I had an idea! I said what if Mummy goes to school instead of you, I’d love to do some learning and see your friends.
He picked up on this and said ‘ok mummy you go to school instead’ but I said I don’t know what to do, Bookasaurus said ‘I’ll show you.’ I asked him what he thought I needed, did I need my raincoat and trainers, yes I did! There were still tears but we just took some time, he calmed down and I managed to get his trainers on. I opened the front door and said how am I going to get to school shall I walk, scoot or drive, he thought and said, ‘scoot mummy!’
In my head I thought okay I’m just going to take this one small step at a time and try not to think about whether I’m actually going to get him into school or not, that kept me in a calmer state. He naturally gravitated outside to where I’d already put his scooter and he said let’s just go to the end of the road and then come back. I just went with that and then at the end of the road I said ‘oh I don’t know where to go next can you show me.’ I kept doing this until we got to school, and then said can you show me where your new classroom is?
I got him into the classroom, he had a sad face and gave me a little wave as I left which always breaks your heart a little bit, but teachers are usually kind and used to dealing with back-to-school wobbles. I felt guilty because he thought we were going to go to school to tell them that he wasn’t going in because he was tired and then we would go home again. So, although my actions had worked, we were both left feeling a bit sad and I’m sure Bookasaurus was cross with me.
When I picked him up he hadn’t been himself and Bookasaurus said ‘I said I didn’t want to go into school Mummy’. The next morning when he was calm, we had a chat, and I did explain why he needs to go to school so he’s more prepared for the future, but I also said that I would listen to him more and we both felt happier!
What I Could Have Done Differently:
At the very start of the morning when he said he was tired rather than having the slightly negative thought of ‘he needs to go to school what am I going to do’, I could have caught myself and changed my thought to ‘he’s tired what’s best for him?’ I may have then felt more compassionate, understanding, and flexible.
The morning may have then gone slightly differently if I’d been in a better mindset, I could have given him a choice ‘rather than going to school straight away how about you have a rest and a snack now and then go into school?’ At school, I could have said Bookasaurus is feeling under the weather and then asked him do you feel ready to go to school now or do you still want to go home?
He may have gone to school or he may not have done but Bookasaurus would have felt more in control, listened to, and that he could trust me. It is really important for them to go to school and for us to get to work or to have our own time but it’s just thinking about things in a different way that usually leave us feeling more positive.
As you’ll know there can always be something that doesn’t go quite right in those first weeks back to school. A change to routine, going to school for the first time ever, going to a new school, starting in a new class, itchy school uniform, or a noisy overwhelming environment. This is really hard for any child but when you are autistic you often have big feelings and sensitivities and what may seem like small things to us can cause big reactions and worries.
I hope you’re back to school wobbles are going ok, if my blog resonates with you then let me know in my Comments section below.
Tips
- Listen and ask why – listen to your child, try to work out why they are feeling and acting in a certain way. It’s ok to be sad or angry.
- Our Thoughts and feelings – how would you like to feel in this situation e.g. compassionate, calm, understanding, creative, flexible?
- Take a break – sometimes we just need a moment to ourselves to regroup.
- Stay in the moment, enjoy it if you can! Try not to worry about the result just take one small step at a time.
- Self-regulation – help to calm them down with cuddles or whatever works for your child (check out my other blogs for more ideas). Try Horse Breathing – close your mouth so that your lips touch gently, breath in through your nose and blow a strong puff of air through your mouth so that your lips flap like a horse’s. If nothing else, it will make you laugh!
- Take the pressure off your child – make it into a game/role play ‘dinosaur really wants to go to school to meet your teacher,’ or give them a choice e.g. ‘how about we have a rest now and then you go into school, how about you wear your normal clothes into school or even ok don’t go into school today, but you need to try and go in tomorrow?’
- Language – keep your tone soft and if what you’re saying is upsetting then sometimes it’s best not to say anything or try one of the options above.
- Telling them in advance – explain to your child why they need to do something but usually doing it when there calm and in advance works better. Obviously, that’s not always possible so the tips above can help.
I’m a Life Coach and my passion is working with other Mums of autistic/ADHD children if you would like to talk to someone who understands I can help you remove the barriers to your thinking, so that you feel calmer and more positive again. I work with Mums of nursery to junior school-aged children. Contact me for a free initial conversation to find out more about my service and how it could help you. E-mail me at jo@learningtoloveautism.com or drop me a line using my Contact page. See my ‘Work With Me’ page for more information.
I’m aiming to do a Quick Read Blog every fortnight and do also check out my other accounts where I post more regularly.
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