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Namaste!
I sat down for lunch the other day and didn’t turn the TV on as I needed to decompress a bit after a really good coaching session with a mum. I gazed out of the window and I suddenly noticed a robin poking its head out of the hedge trying to shelter from the rain. It’s incredible what you notice when you’re not really thinking about anything and just observing the world around you.
We often just get into the routine of putting ourselves last and feel guilty when we do anything for ourselves. Even just the thought of taking a nap or reading a book can make us feel guilty. Our minds immediately jump to all the things that we think we need to do.
We build up a lot of expectations of ourselves in our minds that we need to be career women, and we need to put others first, some of this thinking also comes from programming passed down from our parents but we can change our thoughts and consequently our feelings.
It’s so important to look after ourselves and sometimes as mums, we put ourselves at the bottom of the list. It’s that old analogy that if the plane is coming down and you don’t put your oxygen mask on you first and stop breathing, you won’t be able to put the oxygen mask on your child. If we take care of ourselves it’s so much easier to cope with demanding children. A woman with energy can do anything!
Yes, shock horror we can put ourselves first!! We just need to give ourselves permission to relax and look after ourselves. The results for us and our families will speak for themselves.
Our brains are thinking machines and churn out thousands of thoughts every day. If our brains throw out a negative thought we can often sabotage ourselves by clinging to it, starting to worry, and escalating the importance of it in our minds. The thought then creates a feeling, making us feel sad, angry, or anxious. The good news is that we do have control over our thoughts and if you would like to learn more about this then I’m the person to get in touch with!
Do you remember watching Trinny and Susannah or Gok Wan on the TV when they put a woman into a 360-degree mirror to show her what she looks like before and after her transformation?! We reflect back to the world what we are feeling so if you’re feeling run down, or angry you reflect that out to the people around you. If you are feeling calm, and positive people will pick up on that energy and reflect it back to you.
It actually takes more energy to be angry rather than calm and positive if you go into battle mode people or your child will pick up on that and will become resistant. It’s an absolutely natural thing to do we want to protect our children, get them to do the things that we think they should be doing or achieve the best for them but if we go into it with a negative energy it can have the opposite effect.
Children are also reactors so if you are calm, they will naturally feel calm too. Just think how connected you are to your child, have you ever noticed how autistic/ADHD children are very sensitive to how you are feeling? If I’m feeling a bit tense Bookasaurus will often say to me ‘stop it mummy or be quiet mummy’, I haven’t said anything but he senses and picks up on what I’m feeling. So, truly becoming calmer (you can’t fake it because they will know) can have a hugely positive impact on your children and family.
So how can we relax and look after ourselves and start to project out a calmer more positive, you?!
Schedule a bit of time for yourself every day or days when you have flexibility. Spend 5 minutes putting into your calendar some time for you each day or get into a routine so that every day you’ve got some time for yourself. Leave early to pick your children up and spend 10 minutes reading your favourite book. Everybody has a different way of doing it. It can be anything that’s going to make you feel good: a nap, getting up early to a quiet house, going to bed earlier, listening to music, yoga, a walk with the dog, or a quiet cuppa.
I know we are so busy especially as parents of autistic/ADHD/PDA children who can be constantly on the go or just don’t sleep. It’s not necessarily the length of time you spend having time for yourself it’s the intention. ‘I am taking care of myself and I am important’. Stop and think about what is best for you, and listen to your body, ‘if I give myself 10 minutes to do something that makes me feel good, I will feel like a more relaxed/calmer mum/woman’. This also goes for Dads as well you need time for yourself too. Work it out between how you can both get time for yourselves and being together.
I sometimes say to my husband I’m going for a nap and actually, he’s ok with that because he knows if I have a rest, I’ll be less irritable, calmer, and have more energy for him and Bookasaurus. You never know we might even get some husband and wife, time together!
It can sometimes be counterproductive to attempt something when you are tired so rather than going off and doing chores to find that the chemist is closed when you’re tired after being up most of the night with your child. Is it actually better to go back to bed for 20 mins or relax with a cuppa, watch a bit of tv, take four deep breaths, or just ‘be’ for a few minutes.
Many women of my age are also going through perimenopause or menopause so sleep can be difficult and our hormone levels start to change which makes it even more important to take care of ourselves and also to explain to others (where you feel comfortable) what is happening to us or to seek advice.
It can also help to call in the Partner/Grandparents/friends/babysitter/holiday club to look after your child, it’s ok to ask for support. There are also respite services out there and clubs and services for young carers and siblings (see Tips below).
I sometimes find myself suddenly putting washing away, doing a quick clean of the bath because I’m riled up or I’ve just done a coaching session for a mum and it helps my brain to organise itself and decompress. I feel calmer and sometimes creative ideas pop into my head. It’s similar to Bookasaurus organising his books or trains into a row it helps him to slow down and feel in control.
Maybe it is just stepping out of the room for a few minutes when things are getting heated or over-excited. Bookasaurus can often get overexcited throwing the duvet around and I know that’s partly because of his sensory needs and all that energy as well as being a bit cheeky!
It’s easy to get irritated and wrestle the duvet off him or go into battle mode but that doesn’t work. So sometimes I just step out of the room or go downstairs and take a few breaths. I’ll get on with something else to get us ready to go out and try to keep calm. He calms down and comes down when he’s ready and it’s often best not to say very much as that can just wind him up.
Or when I’m out of the room and calmer an idea of how to tackle the situation may pop into my head like let’s do something to calm down or if he’s not focusing on doing his homework then maybe an idea to make it into a game. Maybe you’ll come up with an idea to do something fun with your children like a favourite puzzle you haven’t done together for a while.
When our brains are more relaxed and quiet ideas pop into our heads, it’s to do with brain rhythms and a ‘no thought’ state. Have you ever noticed that when you’re not thinking about anything in particular, daydreaming in the shower or in the moment, taking in the winter scene that something pops into your head? There are always thoughts in our minds but if we are in a daydreaming state or just in the moment then we tend not to focus on them. This demonstrates that if we are living more in the moment we can have control over our thoughts, obviously, you can’t do this all the time but it helps.
Meditation, yoga, deep breathing, and listening to music can increase Alpha and Theta brain waves, developing compassion, visualisation, creativity, and daydreaming. Listening to music and the exercise of imagining music can also create Alpha waves. I haven’t sat and listened to music for a long time so I think I will try that!
I often get the best ideas when coming around in the morning or from a nap and an idea for a post/blog or for helping a fellow mum magically appears in my head! Maybe you suddenly remember something you’ve forgotten to do ‘ooh I must order the school meals for next week’. Maybe you feel you’re stressed all the time but just think about those times when you’re not thinking about anything even if it’s only when you’re asleep. All of these things take practice and intention so just take small steps and work on one thing at a time, like taking five minutes for yourself. x
Tips:
- Being in the moment – when you are relaxed or in the moment you can let your thoughts drift past like clouds in your mind (or however you imagine them) and try not to dwell on them or cling to them. This helps you to get into a calmer state of mind and ideas may pop into your head. So appreciate the world around you or really focus on your children and what they are talking about or the game they want to play with you, you never know you might enjoy it!
- Intentionality – if you consciously look at what you’re doing and maybe put your phone on silent or take a bath rather than looking at social media it can make all the difference. You are intentionally saying ‘I’m important.’
- Music, naps, walks, meditation, yoga, taking a bath and just being quiet or closing your eyes all help to get us into a calmer state.
- Remember that we have a choice we don’t have to take notice of thought we can ignore it or deal with it later. Switching back to being in the moment can help.
- Sleep – get as much sleep as you can although I know it’s not always easy or just taking 10 minutes for yourself to unwind can really help.
- Stay calm, children are reactors – all of these things will help you to be calm, be in the moment, don’t worry about the past, the future/what’s coming next and your children and partner will naturally calm down too, things are less likely to escalate and life will much easier to deal with. If you are looking after yourself you will have more energy and capacity for your children and family.
- Ask for help – people may not have registered that you need help everyone is wrapped up in their daily lives. Maybe they’re scared about how they would cope looking after your children so be specific about what support they need because with an autistic/ADHD child it’s different and we know our children best. If someone isn’t comfortable with looking after them then be understanding and accept their decision. There will be another solution out there or wait until next time. Even your partner may not realise that you want their help, we often suffer in silence and then start to resent our other half. So again, be specific about what you need them to do, and then appreciate and praise them when they do! Help them to find some time for themselves too.
- Respite services and support for your children – contact your local Council about respite services, they can often signpost you to charities that look after your child overnight or great clubs specifically for children with different needs that your child will enjoy and will give you a break. They often have clubs and support for young carers or siblings of children on the spectrum too where your neurotypical child can get some time just for them.
- Reduce/stop doing the things that are making you angry, frustrated, or sad e.g. take a break from any social media that is negative or put your mobile on silent for a bit.
- It’s ok to say no and have boundaries – remember that your time is important if a request from someone else doesn’t work for you and your family then politely say no or suggest a different time.
My Top Tip:
- If you’re a mum of a young autistic/ADHD child or maybe you’re a dad and you want to understand how your wife is thinking and feeling and to accept your child for who they are then talk to me.
The mind is like a jar of marbles I help you to take out one marble (one thought) at a time and work through it and as you gradually empty your jar you will have a quieter mind and will start to feel better. As women particularly we want to share and connect with another person who understands.
You may also like to read my original Self-Care blog for other ideas and to learn about some of my journey.
What do you do to take look after yourself, what helps you to feel calm? If my blog resonates with you then let me know in my Comments section below.
I’m a Life Coach for other Mums of autistic/ADHD children because it’s a struggle, lonely and a joy! If you would like to talk to someone who understands I can help you work through your thoughts and feelings, so that you feel calmer and more positive again. Contact me for a free initial conversation to find out more about my service and how it could help you. E-mail me at jo@learningtoloveautism.com or drop me a line using my Contact page. See my ‘Work With Me’ page for more information.
I’m currently offering a complimentary introductory coaching session to two mums or dads who really want to experience some professional support and understanding. If you’d love to apply to fill one of those spaces and receive a 1:1 coaching session over Zoom, then message or email me by return at jo@learningtoloveautism.com . You must be able to commit to a 1 hour session between 13 – 16 December 2022. Please feel free to pass this offer on to other parents.
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