Happy Belated Mother’s Day! I wanted to pay tribute to all the mums who aren’t always recognised or thanked for all the hard work they do to support their children, work, be a wife, a woman and everything else! It can feel even more challenging when your child is autistic, and you need to completely adapt your way of parenting. Well done fellow mums you’re doing an amazing job! I’ve got to say well done to the dads too as they are amazing and maybe I’ll write you a Blog for Father’s Day!
I’ve found that there are many mums of autistic children out there with similar worries, who like me get caught up in their thoughts and fears. So, I wanted to write a blog to reassure other mums that they are not alone in their struggles and provide you as aways with some optimism and tips! This is the start of a story about Angela a mum of an autistic son, her challenges and how she moves forward (the character in the blog is fictional).
Meet Angela and her young son Josh who is autistic with ADHD. Her younger daughter is called Chloe and Angela wonders if she is also on the spectrum because she does similar things to Josh, but something is holding Angela back from investigating further.
Angela’s husband Tom is a really loving kind man, but he finds it difficult to understand his children and gets very frustrated why can’t they just do as they’re told? His wife is so tired and irritable and constantly telling him about the issues she is having with Josh. Even when he tries to get involved Angela criticises what he is doing. He feels powerless and just wishes he could do something to help. Deep down he knows that he is burying his head in the sand and needs to step up, but he can’t seem to do anything right.
Tom discovered that he was on the spectrum when they first realised that Josh was autistic. He and Josh are very alike and so he does understand why he acts in a certain way but sometimes feels frustrated because he would like him to fit in with how he was brought up to behave. He wishes his wife would give him a chance he just does things in a different way to Angela!
Angela and Tom are starting to realise that other members of their wider family are probably on the spectrum but haven’t realised it because it they’re from an older generation or haven’t shared it with people. However, as Angela starts the conversation people start to share and open up.
Angela wants to be in control she knows they need to parent differently to meet her son’s needs. She doesn’t have any friends who are in a similar situation and the grandparents don’t really understand so she is left trying to do everything herself and feels very isolated.
She also feels guilty because her son is having a hard time coping at school, not getting the support he needs, and his friendships are suffering. He masks his real self and tries so hard to be like his friends as he thinks that is what is expected of him. When he gets home all his emotions erupt and he has a meltdown because he is so overwhelmed and finds it difficult to sleep.
Angela often feels like the referee between her children and that her son is taking out his frustrations on his sister as he goes into ‘fight or flight’ mode with the overwhelm of the day. The two children and still very close and Chloe adores her big brother.
A lot of Angela’s energy is spent worrying about the best way to look after her son and getting wound up in her thoughts of frustration, she feels so guilty that she can’t make things better for him. Angela feels so stuck like she’s going round in circles, she’s made practical changes to help Josh, but nothing seems to make much difference. She remembers the younger positive, relaxed Angela before things got tricky, she’d love to be that person again.
Angela’s well-being is suffering she knows she needs to do something now because she is important, she wants things to change, and her family needs her.
She sees a post about a Coach for other Mums of Autistic children, she looks at her website to see how she works. The coach is also a mum of an autistic son and gets what it’s like. Angela is still a bit nervous about contacting me but she’s brave and sends me a message.
It’s wonderful to hear from her and we have an introductory conversation over Zoom. I explain that each week we will work on the challenges that are at the forefront of her mind so that she can download and feel calm again. We work through the thoughts and feelings that are holding her back. I share that over the weeks we will take very gradual steps to explore the themes that are driving those thoughts so that she has the underlying beliefs that will serve her in the future. After each session she will go away with one or two simple, creative actions so that she feels more proactive for the week ahead. I know I can help her she says you are like my angel!
In her head Angela already knows that she wants support and really wants to grow and invest in herself and her family’s future. She wants her family to thrive, and she’d like to do something for herself.
She contacts me the next day and signs up to my 1:1 service. She feels so relieved and reassured that she will have my support.
Angela and I agree a weekly day and time for our sessions and that’s when she started working with me…..
The first Zoom call there are tears as this is the first time ever Angela has had the chance to be totally open about how she is feeling about her son with someone who is non-judgemental and understands what she is going through. She shares that she sometimes wonders what it would be like if Josh wasn’t autistic, it’s so frustrating when he won’t do simple things like turn off the computer or get himself dressed, why is this happening to her? I’m empathetic and share that I have also felt this way and been very frustrated; I wasn’t expecting to have a child who works in a different way when I made the decision to be a mum. I tell her that we can choose to see things in a better light, and I can gently help her do that.
I ask her what is at the forefront of her mind in that moment so that she can download. This is something I will continue to do each week. The most important part of my role is to really listen to Angela and understand her and how she is feeling. As a mum of an autistic child who has been on a similar journey, I totally get it.
Josh has threatened to hurt himself but rather than focusing in on that which may seem counterintuitive I work on how Angela is feeling. I share about the importance of self-care and that if she is more rested and calm the children will naturally relax too.
She says things have been tough for her son at school and wants him to receive more support, she’s tried e-mailing them so many times and not got anywhere. I read between the lines and realise that her son already has a positive relationship with a teacher at the school who he could talk to. Angela can’t see the wood for the trees, so I suggest that she contacts him to explain the situation. As she becomes more relaxed in the session, she mentions that she’s curious what her son could achieve if he was given more movement breaks and support at school, she could see him skyrocketing academically.
Angela is burnt out and wants to rest so we work out how she can do this most effectively. Her simple actions for the week ahead are to rest and to contact the school.
At the end of the session Angela is smiling and visibly happier she feels more positive like a weight has been lifted off her shoulders. She says that she feels heard and relaxed goes off to enjoy her day!
At the second session Angela is feeling low and negative she says the weekend went badly. I ask her to reflect on her week, she’s made some fantastic progress. Self-care is now becoming part of her life she’s taking regular naps, taking the dog for a walk to get some headspace, she’s noticed that where she is calmer her children have noticeably calmed down too, she said she hadn’t realised how much her mood affected her family.
She’s also made incredible progress with her son’s school, she’s spoken to the teacher in person the day after she’d worked with me, and support is now being put in place for Josh. He’s also going to have a regular catch up with the teacher so he can talk to someone. I explain that because she was in a more positive place herself this has attracted a positive reaction from the teacher.
I ask her whether she used to watch Trinny and Susannah’s Fashion show where they put a woman in a 360-degree mirror?! The lady is looking dowdy to start with and feeling negative and that’s what she sees in the mirror and what is reflected back to her. It’s the same in life if you are feeling negative, angry that can only be reflected back to you but if you are reflecting out calm and positivity this can only attract positive behaviour from other people. Angela smiles at my example, she’s open minded and understands my analogy!
Angela is worried about the weekend when Josh is out of his school routine, tensions rise, and it can be hard to get him off the computer to go out and do things. I say that I experience that challenge as well, it makes her feel better that she’s not the only one!
She says it can be hard getting him to get dressed in the morning, I ask her if she can think of a better thought about how getting dressed could play out. Angela says if he could just put his socks on that would be a good start! I ask her to visualise Josh happily putting his socks on and I ask her how she feels, she laughs and says happy!
I ask what Josh’s interests are, she says he loves music and singing so I enquire what would be a better more fun action that she could try to encourage him to achieve this. ‘How about putting on his favourite song, having a dance with him and then he puts his socks on’! How would that make you feel I ask her ‘fun and hopeful’ she replies. She goes away with the actions to continue with her selfcare, use music to calm the mood or make things more fun and to encourage Josh to put his socks on. She texts me later to tell me that not only did Josh put his socks on but all his clothes and that they had fun and cuddles!
In the third session Angela shares that the grandparents are visiting, and she is worried because they just don’t understand her son’s behaviour. I ask Angela how she gets on with them she tells me that they’re nice people, but it can be overwhelming for Josh when they come round especially if the stay the whole day. He masks his behaviour to be the good grandchild, but it can result in a meltdown. I ask her to visualise the day being more comfortable for Josh and the whole family, she says that would be such a relief and everyone would enjoy themselves.
I ask her if there is a simple solution she can think of, she immediately says I could give them a call before the weekend. ‘Absolutely’ I enthuse, ‘explain how Josh finds it difficult and I’m sure you can come up with a plan, yes,’ she says, ‘maybe Josh could go up to his room for a break’. ‘I could also explain to them about his stimming’ (children with autism use regular movement like running back and forth, flapping hands, singing repetitively etc to regulate/calm themselves down and give sensory/touchy feely input).
Angela says, ‘sorry for unloading all my problems onto you, you must feel weighted down now’. I reply ‘oh no I get such a buzz from making a difference to you and other mums, it’s what I’m meant to do. I also have my own Coach to talk to, so you get the benefit of two great minds!
She goes away with the actions to keep looking after herself and call the grandparents. I explain that it’s helpful to speak to autistic children before change happens (like the grandparents coming over). That way Josh will know what to expect and she can tell him that it’s ok if he goes up to his room for a break or moves around which will reduce his anxiety.
Look out for the next part of Angela’s story coming soon and I’ll introduce another mum who is just starting to notice differences in her daughter who’s at nursery.
Tips:
- Being in the moment – when you are relaxed or in the moment you can let your thoughts drift past like clouds in your mind so you don’t dwell on them and your mood will gradually lift. So, appreciate the world around you or really focus on your children and what they are talking about even if it’s superheroes or princesses!
- When you are feeling calm and in a good mood that is the time to act, you’re more likely to receive a positive response or achieve what you want. If you’re in a low mood and send an e-mail to school, it could attract an unhelpful response.
- Music, naps, walks, meditation, yoga, taking a bath and just being quiet or closing your eyes all help to get us into a calmer state. If you’re feeling low and want to cheer yourself up, then put on an upbeat piece of music that you love and dance around the kitchen!
- Sleep – get as much sleep as you can or just taking 10 minutes for yourself to unwind can really help.
My Top Tip:
If you’re a mum of a young autistic child, then I’m here to listen. You will need to be eager to find answers and invest in yourself because in doing so your family will thrive. See my new offering below.
Reducing Your Child’s Anxiety 60 minute 1:1 Session – £30 or
2 Sessions – £57 (including a free initial conversation and text support between sessions).
I support you to reduce your child’s anxiety by:
- Listening and understanding as a fellow mum of an autistic child
- Improving your thoughts so you feel calmer and in control
- Accepting your child for who they are and adapting to them
- Looking for the causes e.g. noise, overwhelm
- Empowering you to take positive action
- Personalised practical actions to help calm your child
Contact me to sign up or find out how else my service can help you. E-mail me at jo@learningtoloveautism.com or drop me a line using my Contact page. See my Support For Mums page for more information or on Facebook or Instagram.
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