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As the women and mothers, we are the lynchpin of the family and if we are happy and healthy those closest to us (our children and partners/husbands) usually feel happy too.
Self-care means giving yourself permission to pause. Cecilia Tran
It’s so important to look after yourself and sometimes as Mums, we put ourselves at the bottom of the list. It’s that old analogy that if the plane is coming down and you don’t put your oxygen mask on first, you won’t be able to put the oxygen mask on your child. It’s so important to get as much sleep as we can it’s so much easier to cope with a demanding little boy when you have energy. A woman with energy can do anything!
As mums, we need to be well regulated and relaxed children so easily pick up on how we are feeling but don’t necessarily verbalise it. I was going for a small operation and I was actually more nervous about how we were going to look after Bookasaurus than the op, well maybe a bit nervous about that as well! I had no idea that Bookasaurus had picked up on my anxiety he was also possibly going to be looked after by someone he didn’t know very well and as I’ve learned change and uncertainty aren’t great for autistic children.
I had a message from the OT he was doing a session with at school that he was very distracted and that it had taken her 20 minutes of sensory activities to calm him down. Bookasaurus hadn’t said anything to me about being worried but it’s often very difficult for autistic children to verbalise how they’re feeling.
In the end, Daddy and Bookasaurus were able to come and pick me up from the hospital, he was very quiet in the car which is unusual as he’s normally such a chatterbox. I said to Bookasaurus on the way home ‘I’m alright now, everything is fine’ and was energetic and positive in what I was saying, slowly he started to chatter normally asking us about The Snail and the Whale story CD we were listening to and even singing the song!
This morning I was walking with Bookasaurus to school and he said I just want to walk with you today Mummy (as we sometimes walk with friends). On the way to school I asked him why he wanted to walk with me ‘he said because you are my best friend Mummy’ which was incredibly sweet and warmed my heart.
As we got closer to school he said ‘are you ever going to go to sleep again mummy, are you feeling ok?’ I realised that he was asking me whether I was going to be ill again (I’d been unwell for a while) so I reassured him that I was feeling happy and energised and that hopefully, I wouldn’t be unwell again. He replied that he just wanted me to be ok because I was his best friend.
I was in bits on the walk home it was such a caring and grown-up thing for Bookasaurus to say and to feel absolutely connected and loved by someone that you love is so humbling and wonderful (I have tears in my eyes as I’m writing this).
I was unwell at the end of last year with stress and getting caught up in my thinking I couldn’t really be ‘me’ in the job I was in and felt trapped. My body was rebelling and shouting at me to stop because I wasn’t doing something that aligned with my fulfillment needs; like being able to connect with communities but I ignored the headaches etc for a long time because I felt like I just had to carry on.
I slept a lot because I was so tired and I didn’t know at the time that it was affecting Bookasaurus. I was just too stretched that I couldn’t give proper time to my family.
Since I’ve resigned I’ve felt so much more relaxed and gradually I’ve become myself again wanting to connect with and make a difference to people. A creative side to me has also emerged that I didn’t know I had (hence the blogs and doing more inventive things with Bookasaurus)! I think I had my priorities wrong and was carrying on as though I was still a single career woman when actually I’m now a mum and wife.
I was speaking to a friend about my plans to blog and support and coach other mums and she said to me ‘it’s the holy grail isn’t it,’ being able to work doing something you love and but also have quality time with your children. At that moment the comment surprised me as I hadn’t thought of it in that way and that actually a lot of mums are looking for the same ideal.
Another friend said to me that now one of her children is older she misses the ‘play’ element that she has with her younger child, they come up with such wonderfully imaginative games! Those times when they’re young are so fleeting and precious that I want to be in the moment with Bookasaurus to enjoy them.
Speaking to different people a lot of mums have made changes to the work that they do or to their lifestyle to take the pressure off themselves and achieve a happier work/family life balance.
I couldn’t have gotten to the happier place I am now without my caring friend and coach, she has been the most significant contributor to my own self-care. Every good coach has a coach! I’ve worked with her for several years and she’s helped me to be in a happier place, broaden my mind, have more control over my thoughts, be brave, move forward, and achieve what I want out of life.
She’s helping me to build self-care into my week, (see my tips below), and as I continue to learn from her and build my ‘holistic toolbox’ to help make a difference for other Mums and their children I will share it with you.
When I was unwell some of my Mum friends helped me out by taking Bookasaurus to school and picking him up again which gave me a chance to rest and get better. Since then I’ve done my best to help them out by having friends round for playdates, being a listening ear for them when they’ve got a lot going on with their children, and offering to help out when they need someone to pick their little one up from school.
I’ve learned that if you show kindness and help each other out it will be returned in spades. It’s so important to have a small group of really supportive friends/parents who you can share with and they will then understand that your child may act differently. My friends know that if Bookasaurus is chattering on ten to the dozen, bosses their children around is not always that road safety conscious it’s because he’s autistic with ADHD, and of course, he’s just who is he is as well!
I’m also very lucky that I get amazing support from my wonderfully kind, helpful husband (sometimes photographer!), loving grandparents, a special sister, and my wider family. It’s so nice to get a night off sometimes and we need it!
Bookasaurus sharing how he felt with me, (which in itself is a revelation showing how his kind and caring side is developing) makes me even more determined to look after myself, find the best work/family life balance I can and do something I love. Looking after myself and being a happier and naturally more positive, energetic mum is helping Bookasaurus to relax and thrive. He is doing well at school and other people are noticing how much he has come on in just a short time.
It can be very alien as Mums to put ourselves first, scary to make changes and really think about what we need to fulfill ourselves but as I’ve found it can have such a positive impact on our children and families, it’s definitely worth it!
Tips for Self-care:
- Co-regulation activities (e.g. activities that a parent does together with their child to show them how to relax) can help both our children and ourselves as Mums and carers to calm down. For example, if Bookasaurus gets upset I breath with him and slowly count to 10 ‘breath in breath out’ which helps to calm us both down.
- Schedule in a nap, bath, walk, or whatever relaxes or re-energises you (I know this can be tricky with looking after the children but if you can find some time when they’re at school, asleep or your husband/partner can take them out to the park or a friend can have them. Leave the jobs and have even 15 minutes to yourself.
- Show other mums/parents kindness and help each other out this will be returned. Also, share with your close mum friends that your child has differences they will then know what to expect and can be understanding.
- If you would like to discover what your real needs are and feel more relaxed and connected to your partner/children/family I also offer 1:1 packages please see my ‘Work With Me’ page and contact me for a free 30-minute chat.
As I learn more about self-care and put it into practice I will share a follow-up so look out for my weekly Blogs.
My next Blog on coping over the Easter Holidays and how Bookasaurus senses can be effected differently by noise and his environment is coming on 9 May.
Please also feel welcome to get in touch through my Comments section, e-mail me at jo@learningtoloveautism.com or drop me a line using the form on my Contact page.
It’s not easy being parents of children with extra challenges but together we can ‘learn to love autism’ and support our children and ourselves so that we thrive together.
Really great post, Jo!
Thanks Jo
My favourite post so far, beautifully writen, very true & brought tears to my eyes x
Thanks, Michelle that means a lot. x
That boy. He is so special and and has a huge heart.
Really loving reading your blogs big sis x
Thanks, sis loved your comment! It means a lot to have your support xx
So pleased you’ve got more space for yourself now.
Looking after your loved ones means looking after yourself