![](https://learningtoloveautism.com/wp-content/uploads/2023/12/Feel-In-Control-Christmas-fair-photo.png)
Wouldn’t it be amazing to feel in control, especially at what can seem like a full-on time of year? This is a blog about a day in the life of Sophie (a fictional story but about experiences that many mums will be having at the moment).
It was constantly on Sophie’s mind whether she should get her son diagnosed; should she go through the NHS or go private, what about an EHCP an (Educational Health Care Plan) she was also wishing that her husband could come to the meeting at the school, it was the last day to get her car an MOT and she had a full day of work to contend with and the Christmas 🎄 fair that evening.
I offered to postpone her weekly 1:1 coaching session but she said ‘No I think it would be really useful to talk but do you mind if we speak over the phone at the garage?’
So she downloaded and processed with me while dropping the car off and walking home (a more unusual coaching session)! She said ‘I feel so much better’. Once she was home we did the rest of the hour’s call over Zoom. I helped her to change her thoughts for ones that would serve her better around diagnosis and EHCPs (Educational Health Care Plans) so she could see a positive way forward. I explained how the process works (as a non-expert but a mum who has been there and got the t-shirt), and what to prioritise and reassured her that I would be there every step of the way to ensure that she successfully navigated the system. I also referred her to other professionals who would be able to help her with diagnosis, support for her son and important evidence for the EHCP.
Sophie shared that she found working out her son’s likely varied diagnosis confusing, I told her that my son has a diagnosis of autism and ADHD and that it is very common to have a multi diagnosis of autism with ADHD, dyslexia, dyspraxia or autism with PDA (pathalogical demand avoidance) traits Demand avoidance (autism.org.uk). The most important thing to remember is that every child is an individual they are still your ‘Bookasaurus’, they just have different needs and we can absolutely do our best support them right now.
Sophie told me that a professional involved with supporting her son appeared to be putting up barriers to helping them and she was questioning whether or not she was right to challenge their behaviour and didn’t want to be classed as ‘another one of those mums’. From my outside, neutral perspective I reassured Sophie that she was not imagining things and that she should take a dual approach of proactively moving the situation forward and also adapting her mindset (see my tips below).
We worked on a different way of thinking that would bring out the best in her husband and he even went to the meeting with the SENCO. It is totally normal for dads to take a bit of time to catch up on accepting that their child may think/act in a different way and need some support. Sophie’s husband gradually realised (with her help) that when they parented in a different way and their son was receiving the right support he would absolutely thrive.
Sophie was also wondering whether her daughter could be on the spectrum, girls can be ninjas when it comes to masking (hiding their true autistic selves to fit in with their friends) and it is exhausting for them. I suggested that Sophie very casually in conversation talk about an autistic brain and give examples of strengths and role models e.g. ‘Auntie Rose has an autistic brain and as a child she was very good at remembering all the French names of her ballet steps and performed to lots of people on stage without worrying at all what they thought, she was very brave and very clever’. This gave her daughter confidence and let her know that it was ok to see things differently and encouraged her to be herself at school. For more information on masking see this post on Fitting the Mask on the National Autistic Society website.
Mums often carry the ‘mental load’ we are the manager/decision maker of the household/the family, that is a lot of mental responsibility to stay on top of. Sophie’s mental wellbeing had been suffering because she was thinking about what was best for her son, tying herself in knots, not sleeping properly and then not able to take action. She was also feeling overwhelmed at work and wanted to be more effective and feel in control. After talking to me and allowing her mind to decompress she had the mental capacity to take action and was feeling creative.
We looked at things during her work day that would make her feel good like having a cuppa with a colleague and made a plan. That day she had an idea to bring in revenue for her company, started writing a presentation on her passion for telling stories, and delegated finishing off the Christmas cover rota to a colleague who loves organising! She also started to think about working towards a change of direction in her career. As a life coach, I help women in all areas of their lives.
Sophie also arranged for Grandma to look after the children for an extra hour so she could pick the car up and have a break after work. I encouraged her to to look after her own wellbeing because her family takes their lead from her and when she is feeling in control they feel calmer and life is easier and more enjoyable.
To thank Grandma; she invited her to the Nativity and said she could meet them at the house so they could all go together which made Grandma feel confident and appreciated.
I asked Sophie how she was feeling about friendships and she said she hadn’t had time to catch up with friends because everyone was so busy in the run up to Christmas. I asked her to think about the question ‘Why have I met my friends for coffee and cake before Christmas?’ which got her mind thinking about all the ways she could make that happen. Sophie messaged a couple of friends and they both said they’d really like to get together but couldn’t all do the same date but low and behold a client postponed a meeting at work and her friend became available and they had a lovely uninterrupted catch up! As if by magic another friend who Sophie hadn’t seen for ages because she lived so far away contacted her and asked if she’d like to do a Zoom catch up once the children had gone to bed and it so wonderful re-connect. They even arranged to meet in person in the new year.
That evening Sophie and her husband took the children to the Christmas fair. Her son found it noisy and was starting to get overwhelmed so her husband took him to a quieter spot for a run around and to read the books that he had bought at the fair with his pocket money. Sophie enjoyed some time with her daughter who magically won mummy’s favourite perfume on the tombola!
This was all created from an hour’s coaching session (well maybe two sessions!). I am always blown away by Mum’s achievements and their commitment to working with me whatever obstacles appear to be in their way. They know that they want support, to develop and get results and with my understanding as a fellow mum of an autistic child, and my expertise as a life coach we make it happen.
Tips:
- Schedule breaks at work – 5 mins looking out the window, going for a walk, stretching, and talking to a colleague allows your mind to settle and makes you more creative and productive. Close your eyes or go somewhere quiet; shutting off one of your senses allows the brain to focus or if you like noise go somewhere noisy!
- Christmas – children can get tired out at this time of year and what may seem like a small thing to us can evoke big feelings but we just need to remember that there is always a trigger. Prepare children in advance for Christmas events so they know what to expect, if they’re worried about something particular like meeting Santa then support them to think more helpful thoughts ‘The Santa in the grotto is just someone’s Dad dressed up, the real Santa has a real beard though’!
- Try things, and have a go at taking them to the Christmas disco, go with them if it’s the first one they’ve been to or you think they need support. If it doesn’t work out you can always adapt, give them something chewy to eat, find a quieter spot, put their headphones on, or head home early. It’s great for them to have those experiences and if you’ve prepared them in advance then they are bound to make some progress and enjoy themselves. If it’s all too much then prioritise which events you want to go to. Remember to give yourself credit for giving it a go, thinking on your feet, and enjoy those special moments.
- Husbands – say to your husband it would help me and make me feel calm/happy if you put a load of washing on. If washing isn’t his thing, find something he enjoys, like some DIY, etc, that would also help you. Even if it takes him a week to put up the shelf or notice your new hairdo (it sometimes just takes a while to process) say thank you and recognise his specific gesture. Men are innately providers and want to make their wives feel good.
- Relationships with Professionals – life is like a 360-degree mirror and whatever we are thinking or feeling is reflected back at us. It’s like looking into a mirror and expecting it to smile back, we have to smile first! We may be unwittingly focusing in on what we see as a person’s negative characteristics however if we think about their positive qualities – they’re making an effort, they’re hard-working etc and visualise the characteristics that we would like to see emanating from them – supportive, fair, professional, prompt, clear etc and imagine how that would feel if that person reflected that back to you. It may seem counterintuitive but it works.
- For example, once Sophie visualised the professional supporting her son and the details of what that would involve e.g. filling out the EHCP paperwork promptly and with quantifiable specifics, and how supported and confident that would make her feel the professional gradually reflected that back to her. Think about how you can build that relationship in a way that you would like reciprocated e.g. is there something you can help the professional with; can you volunteer at an event, give them a Christmas card saying thank you, point out the specific things that you are grateful for them helping you/your child with. If we want to receive support, fairness, specifics, honesty, confidence, and professionalism we have to embody that ourselves too.
- Throughout you also need to put yourself and your child first. It is possible to achieve the balance above (I’ve done it) and I can support you to achieve it however if your mental health is being affected by a professional finding it difficult to move the process forward (it is an incredibly tough time for the public sector) then I am here to empower you and prioritise yourself and together we will become ‘smiling assassins’!
- Masking – girls are often missed when it comes to diagnosis of autism because where a boy may have a very focused interest in dinosaurs and openly stim by running back and forward a girl can appear to have the same ‘normal’ interests as their peers such as unicorns and princesses but where she twists her hair around her finger just like her friends this is stimming too. Autistic traits can also be missed when girls are performing well academically, but struggle in other areas. See the National Autistic website for more information. Search (autism.org.uk)
The Christmas holidays can feel challenging having the children at home twenty four seven is full on, every hour can feel like an eternity! It doesn’t have to be that way, how would it feel to have me in your corner/on your team over the holidays and beyond, supporting you in all areas of your life so that you can enjoy family time and look to a more hopeful and exciting New Year. I put my heart and soul into supporting you it’s my passion and my purpose.
If you would like to connect and share then contact me for a free discovery conversation, e-mail me at jo@learningtoloveautism.com or drop me a line using my Contact page. See my Support For Mums page for more information and find me on social media: LinkedIn, Facebook, Instagram.
I’m also holding Free 15 Minute Q and A sessions over Zoom on Navigating Autism/the system, Sleep, Anxiety etc over Zoom. If you’re a mum, or anybody working with/connected to parents, you are very welcome to join me on the dates below.
Feel welcome to share my blog and Q and A dates on social media.
E-mail me at jo@learningtoloveautism.com or message me via social media and I will send you the Zoom Link.
Monday 11 Dec at 12.30 pm
Wednesday 13 Dec 10.45 am
Thursday 14 Dec 1.30 pm
Also look out for my Coaching Day offer at beautiful outdoor venues and my 2 Hour Coaching experience over Zoom coming soon why not gift it to your wife, she would love to have some time just for her and it will make her feel so much better. Message me if it would solve your Christmas present dilemas!
Leave a Reply